Cake and other drugs

Modern addictions offer us occasional bubbles of bliss, like the first series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or a new coat, but more often these addicitons are a comfort blanket that keeps us safe from the cosmic reality of our existence. Which according to scientists is absolutely terrifying and beautiful in equal measure, but mostly terrifying, so not that equal ...

For many of us, these distracting activities occupy, in some form or another, almost the whole of our waking lives especially when the sales are on, and only in sleep does our subconscious express itself through dreams and nightmares usually involving a cocktail waitress.

Devoid of one or all of these addictions we can feel lost, lonely and afraid - and sick to our stomach with the sensation that our soul, our true self - which is that part of us that knows the truth but is afraid of it - is giving birth to itself, to lie naked and exposed in a world that we are fearful of. That feeling is often described as melancholia, or a kind of undefined sadness, and it is a sensation that we will do almost anything to negate. Sometimes there is an accompanying sense of fear or dispondency that only a large cake can ease.

These feelings seem unjustified to us in a world of positive affirmations, instant noodles and cultural apsiration, yet these are the genuine feelings of our selves facing the super-human truth of cosmic reality. We avoid these feelings because we have built a world that allows us to do just that.

Having been born and conditioned into the world designed by our fearbears, we have the choice as to whether to give birth to ourselves during our lifetimes. However, it is a choice.

Ultimately, each of us is committed to no more than getting through our life.

There is nothing dishonest, immoral or tragic about distracting ourselves through life with modern addictions if that is what we choose to do, even though they may make us both sick and tired. But if one can face the pain of the true self bursting forth into a natural cosmic reality then there are some surprising rewards, though I can't think of any at the moment ...

the mothership

There is a meaning to life, well it's not so much a meaning, but an imperative ... an inevitable imperative that aligns the onset of birth-life and negates all the crap you have ever heard about your mission or purpose ... yet it's not something I have ever divulged to anyone at the retreat ... I have intimated at times, talked around the subject, though at a great distance from the centre of any soul or ego in residence... on occasion I have been caught out hiding this truth and people have demanded that I let loose this silly-sounding soundbite that is more than the sum total of all that man has ever learnt ... and I explain my resilience as best I can ...

... I might say for example, if you saw a ghost, no, if you really saw a ghost, let's say it was the ghost of Marilyn Monroe, and it wasn't a dream, but, due to some blip in the 11th dimension of the space-time continuum, or some such cosmic accident, that you, yes you, the one and only you, to whom nothing magical or strange or supremely weird had ever happened, were lying there, or sitting or standing, and the crack in the reality of human perception opened up quite unexpectedly and by accident, and the ghost of Miss Monroe appeared before you, spoke with you, sat quietly with you in that place while she waited patiently for the bus back to the afterlife, sang to you sweetly ... until the crack in all that is reopened and she went away again ...

well let's say that really happened, not in your mind, but it really did happen ...

... what could you do with this experience, this knowledge that all is not as it seems ?

... the answer is nothing ... the experience would define you, but could have no impact in any other sphere ...

So when I am pressed to tell, I refrain and laugh at the absurdity of it all ... as much as I wish to instantly lift all your burdens, I cannot do it with the truth, I have to find another way ... that's the way it is ... and the other way is cumbersome and clanky and verbose, but what else can I do?

I have to admit, now I have the publication date of the new book, April 2012, and as I intend it to be my last book, though I have said this before haha, I did think about sliding the truth into the last chapter, where it would go unnoticed, or, perhaps as my final joke, the last amusing aside to a life well lived, I may put it in huge capitals and destroy my reputation in a moment by telling the simple truth in unapologetic terms ... to thousands of indifferent ears ! I'll think about it ... but whatever I decide, rather like the man who really did get a visit from the ghost of Marilyn, the truth is always buried in our own experiences ... truth of this magnaminity cannot be shared ...

However, let me leave you today with something as weird and as strange as all of this ... something that you will not believe unless you too have experienced it ... something that will not define you as it has me ...

... when I was 16 I walked across a great park, home from school in the winter hours when darkness was full in the early evening ... I was not alone but with a friend ... and apart from these two boys in school uniforms there was nobody else in the park that evening ... and that an extraordinary event took place that left us with a shared legacy that meant nothing could ever be the same again ...

and now of course I am in Marilyn Monroe's ghost territory ... so I will stop ...

.... but take heed if you wish to believe me - all is not what it seems, have faith in that if nothing else ...

T.A.T.

If you too are jaded by all those positive affirmations that are as light as a feather, then be assured ...

...there is no meaning or purpose to our existence except the meaning and purpose that we impose. Each of us is nothing but a false God, and our fantastical beliefs about this or that amount to nothing but a personal coping strategy. We are gene replicators created by a chemical and elemental accident in a universe created by fluctuations in nothing.

If you are tired of politics and utopian visions then remember ...

... there is no problem in the world today that could not be easily solved, if the human will was in league together. But each man and woman exists in a quite seperate universe, unfathomable, deceptive and delusional ... the saving grace of an undiscovered universal consciousness is nothing but a pseudo-religious myth

If you are tired of the highs and the lows then remind yourself ...

...that feelings are not your friends, feelings do not justify your existence, they hijack it, to live at the whim of your feelings is to walk the way of the wind until it takes you over a precipice ...

If you are tired of words ...

...then say nothing, beyond the social lubricant of politeness, and leave a trail of silence until your language ability is lost

If you are tired of trying ...

... then try instead to be selfish

If you are tired ... I said

... and she answered ... i need hope, even if it comes from 'delusion'...my coping strategy is to believe that there is meaning in this universe, in this little life. There just has to be! I need guidance to help me find worth in my existence and a way back to 'love' which has to be the only true reason to be alive. Love of self, our children, family ( whoever we choose them to be), friends, our planet, nature and life itself. I do not love myself, do not feel i deserve to be loved - I find it very difficult to love life (even cope with it at the moment- temporary state, I know, I think I am at in essence a positive and cheerful person, it's just life gets to you, you know?!!)) and I want someone to help me help myself, or at least find a way back independent of any outer guidance. No wonder I feel tired all of the time and as you put it have had my life spirit drained out of me...I need to learn to love life again (sorry to sound like a commercial on the telly), or at least feel more at ease...as do most other people, I think.